Amy: Main character, about 27, female.
Doctor/Michael: Doctor, also Amy’s lover.
Walter: Amy’s husband, 29.
Here and now.
Amy walks into her apartment and addresses the audience directly.
Amy: Hi, I’m Amy, and this is my husband, Walter. Walter? Walter? Lord, where has he run off to now, he must be having one of those days. My husband has a very short attention span. Lord knows where his mind wanders off to. The male mind is a place I don’t dare to understand because, well… you know why. Still, I don’t know how a man does not wish to entertain a woman like me with so much fire. So, I get it elsewhere, you see. Oh, don’t look at me like that, especially you. I know about you. (Pause) The obvious question is, why don’t I leave him? I would, but I love my Walter, and I’m not in love with this other man, it’s strictly physical. Maybe I should seek the help of a medical counselor.
Doctor: So what brings you here this afternoon, Mrs. …?
Amy: Mitty, that’s Amy Mitty.
Doctor: Of course. So, what brings you here, Mrs. Mitty?
Amy: Well, frankly doctor, it’s my husband.
Doctor: Is your husband sick?
Amy: He’s something; sick may not be the proper word however.
Doctor: I don’t follow.
Amy: His mind doctor, it’s all over the place.
Doctor: Could you be a little more specific.
Amy: Sure. He’s there, but then, he’s not really there. He stares into space and well, that’s really it. You never know when it’s going to happen, and then, he’s off.
Doctor: I see… well, Mrs. Mitty, from what you’re telling, me it seems that your husband suffers from expialidocious, or, the Poppins pop. It requires a very active imagination, anyone can do it really, it’s not very difficult at all.
Amy: I see, doctor.
Scene change. Amy addresses audience directly.
Amy: Poppins pop, I never would have guessed it. The doctor said anyone can get an imagination, that’s what he called it. I have imagination, well, at least in the bedroom. I think I’ll give it a try. It shouldn’t be hard, I’ll just close my eyes and then…
Doctor: Amy, there you are. We need you in the emergency room, stat.
Amy: Let’s go… What’s wrong?
Doctor: The patient has gone into hypovolemic shock.
Amy: Okay, let’s get 20cc of acetaminophen, 10 mg of aec, and 10cc biodine.
Doctor: You heard her.
The patient’s body suddenly jerks on the table.
Doctor: Oh dear God.
Amy: His body is rejecting the biodyne.
Doctor: What’ll we do?
Amy: Give me a bottle cap.
Amy: A bottle cap, now doctor!
She takes the bottle cap and does a ridiculous motion.
Amy: There, he’s stabilizing.
Doctor: Genius, doctor Amy, genius.
Amy: It was nothing, really.
Doctor: (Chanting) Amy, Amy, Amy.
Walter: Amy, Amy!
Amy: Oh, Walter, when did you get here?
Walter: Not too long ago, didn’t you hear me call you?
Amy: I was uh, well.
Walter: Are you okay?
Amy: I’m fine. I was here a moment ago and then I was off, you know?
Walter: (10 second pause.)
Amy: Walter? Of course he’s gone. (She goes to wake him but then she changes her mind) Oh forget it.
Michael: Amy? Why are you not paying any attention to me?
Amy: Things are starting to get a little crazy.
Michael: I like crazy, especially in the bedroom.
Amy: That’s not what I mean. Do you ever feel like you’re stuck, like there’s this whole world out there but you just can’t reach it because you’re just… stuck.
Michael: I don’t know about that, but we can be stuck together in the bedroom.
Amy: Shhh. All this time I thought one thing, but what if I was wrong? What if it was all my fault?
Michael: Yes, it was all your fault. You have been a naughty girl and you need a spanking real bad.
Amy: Would you just keep it in your pants?
Michael: I’m trying here, or have you forgotten how this arrangement works? It is supposed to be physical.
Amy: Yes I know, but can we try something a little different today?
Michael: Like what?
Amy: Just sit down right here next to me… (She gives him the puppy dog look) Please?
Michael: Okay, okay. Now what?
Amy: Close your eyes and imagine.
Amy: Yes, it’s called expialidocious. All you have to do is sit and imagine… C’mon.
Michael: (Concerned) Are you ill, Amy?
Amy: I’m perfectly fine, now close your eyes and join me.
Michael: Now how the hell is this better than sex?
Amy: Just concentrate.
Amy: Commander, commander!
Michael: Huh? Oh shit.
Amy: Commander, what shall we do? We have a bomber right on our tail. You have to do something.
Michael: Calm yourself right now soldier! Now, what happened to the rest of the fleet?
Amy: They’re all gone, we’re the only ones left.
Michael: Strap in soldier, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Amy: The bomber is closing in on us.
Michael: Okay, now disengage the autopilot.
Amy: Autopilot disengaged.
Michael: Thrusters to full speed.
Amy: Thrusters at full speed.
Michael: Prepare yourself, soldier.
Michael: Here comes the loopty loop. (Should be executed as it sounds silly).
Amy: Incredible sir, now we’re tailing him.
Michael: On my mark you fire the lasers, soldier.
Amy: I’m ready.
Amy: Direct hit.
Michael: That taught that son of a bitch.
Amy: Great job commander, you just saved us all.
Amy: Michael? Michael!
Michael: Wow, that was amazing.
Amy: I told you.
Michael: You told me but I didn’t believe you, that was way better than sex.
Amy: Not way better.
Michael: Are you kidding me? That was way better than sex.
Scene change. Amy addresses audience directly.
Amy: You would think things would be great, but alas, they’re not. Now I have lost both men. That’s right, him too. Don’t get me wrong, imagination is wonderful, but hello, do you see all of this? You men make me sick, UHH!
Amy: Walter, don’t forget you have an appointment at the dentist tomorrow.
Walter: Yes, dear.
Amy: Oh Walter, we also have to go down to the bank.
Walter: Yes, dear.
Amy: And don’t forget my mother is coming, so you will have to be on your best behavior. Oh, and Walter… (She pantomimes the rest as Walter addresses the audience directly.)
Walter: Oh my God! Do you see what I have to deal with on a daily basis? (Mimicking her.) Walter, and Walter, oh Walter! For heaven’s sake, you women are something else. With your nagging, and my God, you talk for hours! It’s no wonder we never pay attention. She looks like she’s about to finish…. Yes dear.
Amy: I’m serious, you better not forget.
Walter: How could I ever forget, sweetie?
Amy: You will never get away with this, doc.
Michael: Hush, woman! Who will stop me?
Walter: I will stop you.
Walter: That’s right. Now let her go doc, before it gets ugly.
Michael: Ha ha, you don’t know who you’re messing with, boy.
Amy: You must save me.
Walter: Don’t worry, I will.
Michael: You will fail, and once you’re gone, nothing will stop me from taking over the world.
Walter: This is it doc, you’re done.
Michael: Not so fast! Henchmen, attack!
Walter: Huh, huh, huh! (Walter defeats all of the henchmen).
Walter: Now it’s your turn.
Walter: Zip, zap, bib, bob! (Doctor is defeated.)
Walter: Why don’t we get out of here, little lady.
Amy: My knight in shining armor. What is your name?
Walter: It’s Mitty, Walter Mitty.
Walter: Nice weather we’re having.
Michael: Yes, it’s warm.
Walter: Are you a friend of Amy’s from work?
Michael: Yes, me and Amy work very closely together.
Walter: That’s nice.
Amy: Hello, boys.
Walter: So, what was so important that you called us here?
Amy: In a minute it will all be clear.
Amy: Walter this is Michael my-
Michael: No, Amy, don’t.
Amy: He has to hear this. Michael is my mistress, Walter.
Michael: I am not her mistress, I’m her lover.
Walter: And what’s the differenc?
Michael: Well… actually.
Walter: That’s what I thought.
Amy: Hush! Now both of you listen up. I hate to say it, but I’m leaving you both.
Walter: You’re what?
Amy: I’m leaving.
Walter: But, Amy, this can’t be. First you tell me about this mistress, and now you’re leaving me?
Amy: Oh Walter, let’s be honest. This isn’t working. You’re not happy and I’m not happy. There is an entire world out there and I’m afraid we’re not living, we’re just getting by, and I need more out of life.
Michael: Does this mean we can’t have sex anymore?
Amy: Yes Michael, we are done.
Walter: But Amy.
Amy: It’s okay, Walter. It’s going to be fine.
Walter/Michael: (10 second pause).
Amy: Well gentlemen, this is goodbye. The world awaits and I have this fire, hotter than a fantasy, and lonely like a highway. (Amy leaves).
Walter: Can you believe her leaving us like that?
Michael: I know, we’re amazing!
Walter: I think you’re amazing, it’s no wonder Amy took you for a mistress.
Michael: I would totally take you for a mistress.
Walter: You really mean that?
Michael: That’s from the heart.
Walter: So, now what are we going to do?
Michael: I don’t know about you, but I’ve got some imagination left in me.
Walter: Maybe not today.
Michael: Alright, dude… (Michael leaves)
END OF PLAY.