I Am Who I Am
Everyone thinks I was just a typical straight guy just because I played sports and never listened to Madonna’s music, but I’ve always found both men and women attractive. I actually thought about identifying myself as bisexual, but I never did, which led to one point where I was lost and didn’t know what to do with my life. I was isolated by society for not identifying myself as either gay, straight, or bisexual. I never wanted to go to gay clubs like many gay men do, but also, I never wanted to stumbleupon pages in Playboy magazine like many straight men do. I didn’t fit into any stereotype, and I felt lost. Until one day, I realized that there was no point to categorizing myself and labeling my sexual orientation, because love is more powerful than any boundaries could ever limit.
My first romantic relationship happened when I was in middle school. I approached a girl in class and hinted that I liked her. At first, she seemed to dislike me, but somehow, we ended up dating for almost a year. We were just a boring school couple who ate lunch together, talked to each other on the phone some nights, and did our homework together. Our relationship ended after I moved across the world to the United States.
Two months after I relocated and adjusted myself into such a different culture and environment, I started to feel like there was something wrong with myself. I looked at one of my male friends unlike how I looked at the others. I daydreamed when I stared at his eyes, bit my lips when I looked at his face, and felt my hands shaking at a touch of his body. Instead of trying to learn why I could’ve been sexually attracted to a man, I suppressed myself suddenly. You’re straight. You just dated a girl. You’re not gay, I thought. I never pictured myself being in a romantic relationship with a man, and meanwhile, I was still sexually attracted to some other girls as well as him.
I started doing more research about the variety of sexuality, from something mild and understandable such as, “How do you know if you’re gay?” to something more extreme and outrageous such as, “Does electric shock really convert gay men to straight?” I was anxious about myself. I may have realized I was gay at that point, but I guess I wasn’t ready to come out yet. Matter of fact, I didn’t even accept that I could’ve been gay. I decided to reach out to some of my best friends, to which they all replied, “You are who you are. Why the hell does it even matter if you’re gay or straight?”
It took me a while to embrace my sexuality. Even though I was open-minded about my sexuality, I never talked about it unless someone asked. Technically, I never “officially” came out as gay or bisexual, and I didn’t feel the need to. As long as someone I really care for understands what I had to go through, it was fine with me. My friends, my parents, and my loved ones, had taught me that love is like magic, because it drives away all the differences in race, gender, and sexual orientation. With love, everyone can be united with each other.
Finally, I’ve learned that love has no boundaries, love has no gender, and love has no race or color. To me, love is all about people genuinely caring and supporting one another. I used to think that I needed to identify my sexual orientation, but now, I know that there’s no reason to categorize who I’m allowed to fall in love with in that way. I don’t need to be labeled as anything. I’m happy that I’m in a phase of my life where I know I’m just a man, an ordinary man who is capable of love. I am who I am.