How to Play: The Game of Motherhood
Suggested Age: 22
Real Age: 32
Platform: Real Life
Rating: M for Mature Audiences Only
Our story begins with an older couple who just remarried after previous marriages. They already had four kids, two from each side of the previous marriage, and were not very well off to begin with. However, our protagonist decided that she needed to have intercourse and pulled over on the side of the road. As our protagonist is not good at planning ahead, she conceived a child at this moment.
Set up your child for failure early, by having an oopsies child years after the rest of your children. Make clear to them that she wasn’t planned, but tell them they can’t let her think that for a second. Have a history of mental illness, specifically untreated, in the family that creates a ticking time bomb for the child. Unstable mother is a must.
How To Erase A File:
As the child is already here, it is too late to erase the file. However, you can remind the child frequently that they could have been erased or played by someone else.
Don’t forget to name your child in a fashion that you enjoy, then later when the child expresses dislike and the feeling of how they don’t want their name, refuse to change it as that is not how you raised them.
Basic Game Controls:
Press X to ignore your child’s needs, forcing the child to figure it out alone.
Press O to replace your child’s wants, wishes, and dreams with your own.
Hold O to remind your child that they couldn’t have accomplished those dreams, even if they tried.
Press (Square) to belittle your child with insults. Tap it to remind your child that this was all their fault to begin with.
Press (triangle) to ignore the obvious problems your child is facing, until death is a result.
Hold R1 to enter emotional abuse mode, and mash all buttons to make your child feel the worst about themselves they possibly could.
Hit up on the D-Pad to break things and slap things that are close to them but won’t touch them.
Rotate the joysticks to convince your child that their differences should be hidden away, because they don’t deserve to be happy.
While in a car, if triangle and L1 are held at the same time you will threaten your child’s life irrationally by driving erratically, because they listened to what you wanted and attempted to speak to you. Be careful with this special attack, because the more often it is used the less the child will trust you. Use constantly, and the child will no longer trust you at all.
When around other family members, save the game by convincing them that there is nothing wrong and you are the best mother ever.
Optional Quick Saves:
You may also save by sleeping for days at a time and pretending you don’t have a child, therefore you can’t do anything wrong as they don’t exist.
Quitting The Game:
Wait until your child reaches 17, hold start. Even though your child is grossly underprepared for the real world and has mental conditions stunting her ability to perform in the real world, press x, kicking her off the game to figure it out on her own.
Do not ever allow child to contact anything that would ever assist her, until death ensues. Remember, you have it far worse because you are the mother and nothing could ever compare to your nonexistent suffering. However, if you must contact someone, make sure they ignore everything your child says. You are correct, not your child. Remember this, always.
(C) How to Play: The Game of Motherhood